Letting Go of an Old Nemesis.
Me and Time.
I have a catch phrase that I use all too often. “Time is the nemesis in my life.” I suspect many of us feel at odds with time now and then. Not enough of it, too much of it, losing time, forgetting time. Time can be a bit of a sneaky little shit.
It’s not all Time’s fault though. Our language around time isn’t great. We “spend” time. Ask “How much time did that take [from] you?” We consider time a gift not to be squandered. “It’s about time” as if we wasted all that time until then. We “kill” time if we’re not utilizing it productively. “Out of time” implies the wish for more. “Times is money.” Um. What? We can borrow time apparently, but “borrowed time” comes with a lot of stress. “Making up for lost time” is actually not possible. Because… Time marches on and waits for no one.
It’s. So. Much. Pressure.
I don’t know about you, but I do not have an organic clock in my head. If I’m involved in a task, and it doesn’t even have to be one I’m enjoying, time doesn’t exist. I can blow past the hours oblivious of time when I’m writing (or gaming… let’s be honest here.) Our dogs kept better track of time than me. They knew down to the minute when it was dinner time.
Society has built-in structures to track time. Work has all kinds of imbedded timekeeping systems we are expected to adhere to. Deadlines, and production schedules, and contracts, and scheduled events, and regular rewards (paychecks) to ensure that all the scheduled stuff gets done on time. In our personal lives we have social calendars and time reminders on our phones or watches for workouts or brunch dates.
When I was working, I was almost always on a computer, and my calendar reminders popped up and glared at me. At various points in my career, there were people who told me what had to be done when and checked in on that progress. Or I was doing the checking, and had schedules for checking ins. When I stopped working, I got an apple watch to alert me of my time commitments. (I hate keeping people waiting. It’s a rude waste of their time.)
We are a society that schedules like it’s on sale.
And I get it! I do. I really do. Without our structures and schedules, life would be a series of missed opportunities and regret. And everyone knows that a deadline focuses the mind because time flies and the eleventh hour is not where you want to be.
Maybe it’s me. I am one of those “busy” people. I pack it all in and always wish for more time to pack in more things. Many of the things that keep me busy are fulfilling. Some less so, but that’s life. I thought this would get infinitely easier with retirement, but surprise is on me because it might have actually gotten harder. Left to my own devices, I’m trying to figure out how to be less busy, but more fulfilled. To that end, I’ve realized how much I love losing myself in something. Being all in. Forgetting about time, results, and the next thing, and just doing.
As a complete tangent, not to derail things, this is the main reason why I personally can’t imagine using AI to create anything. When say, writing, or painting, the bit between an idea and the result is where I love to live. This is my joyous timeless space that keeps me fulfilled in a chaotic world. And that’s the bit that AI is proposing to do? So, yeah, no thanks. The time that using AI would save me is at the cost of my happiness. And I’ve already established that I don’t give a rat’s ass about time. But I do like being happy.
Wee story to wrap this up. I went to a silent Buddhist retreat many years ago. It was led by a wonderful Belgian monk named Charles. Every few days Charles would hold a 2-hour workshop where he’d talk, and we’d participate in silence. One session Charles had us all up and walking around the room while he talked about living in the moment. Charles posed us this question: “If there is no past, and there is no future, how are you walking?” Everyone stopped dead in their tracks, minds blown in universal confusion. Charles laughed and clucked at us and said, “Forget about it and just walk.”
Lately, I’ve spent time considering Time. What shall I do with mine, and what relationship do I want to have with it? Do I still want Time to be my nemesis and do battle with it? I’ve been relaxing around the edges since deciding to retire early. Maybe it’s time to chill about Time, too. Allow myself to fill my time unproductively. Stop trying to do better next time and be happy with this time. Say “no” more often to the things that keep me busy but unfulfilled, even if I have nothing better to do. And I’m actively seeking some kind of new structure that isn’t time-based.
For now, I’ll forget about it and just walk.
The time invested reading this wonderful article is well worth the reward. A peaceful ease with no time pressuring rushing into the next “productive” or “well worth” item on an endless checklist we’ve chosen to create or be created for us.
I love “learning to be less busy and more fulfilled.” Amen! And more time in those timeless moments of creation—I love to live there, too.